Why Gay Guys Should be Picky When Searching For Love

Image by Laura D’Alessandro

We’re not asking for the world–just a man who will better our world.

At the end of the day, being “too picky” is a polite way of saying you’re a liar. You say you want love and that you’re searching for it, but no one is ever going to satisfy you—love is tied to an artificial string. You push them away because deep down you don’t really want to love; you want someone to love you.

In this Grindr-obsessed society, we are holding ourselves back from finding true love. It’s not like we aren’t ready to have it; social approval is how we define ourselves so we’ve placed our standards to an unreachable peak. Some gay guys take it way too far, but a healthy perspective on what to be picky about can go a long way.

We’ve taught ourselves to nitpick our food, judge our friends, and label each other that we don’t know how to see passed what we want into a man’s true character. Being picky isn’t a bad thing when it involves ambitions and goals in life that are non-negotiable, but being unrealistic about them is; and perfection just isn’t realistic.

No one can depend on perfection—it’s fantasy, a farce. Deep down every one knows what they want, and chances are it’s not some knight in shining armor. We like imperfection whether we think we do or not. It gives us something to relate to, it ties our bonds as humans, and it allows another person a chance to turn our imperfections into strengths—this is when it’s time to get picky:

Knowing the kind of life you want will enhance your ability to spot personal chemistry.

It’s okay to be picky when it comes to goals and ambitions. Ignore your friends who give you shit: “You refuse to date him because he’s still living with his parents/working a low paying job/partying till five in the morning?” Look them dead in the eye and say, “Yes. He’s 35-years old for Christ’s sake.”

Chemistry doesn’t lie in sexual aspects alone, but also in beliefs, morals, and aspirations you both share—family, religion, location, career, retirement, personal space. When you have these things in common you become more compatible as a couple, which creates a bigger window to relish in the chemistry. Don’t be afraid to be picky if a man holds you back from living the type of life you want. Shaping yourself or sacrificing your dreams is the greatest form of self-betrayal.

If you don’t know the types of personalities that pull you down, you’ll never be able to protect yourself from them.

It’s okay to be picky when it comes to personality—a sour one can be incredibly destructive. You know because you’ve been there, done that. He reminds you of someone that made you feel like shit, so don’t feel bad for prejudging a future together. This is your survival instinct swinging into full gear.

When we’ve been scarred one too many times by the same “type” of man it’s only a matter of time before we see the pattern, and it will continue unless we stop it. If you don’t mesh well with each other, how the hell are you going to survive? You won’t. It’s okay to be turned off by a man with a similar energy as your ex, or an ex-coworker you hated. Don’t close yourself off to them, but pay attention to your gut.

 A man who is unwilling to share himself is never going to change.

It’s okay to be picky when it comes to emotional availability. When he isn’t opening himself up to you, you’re not going to create a life together. It’s okay to dismiss men who are work-obsessed, too guarded, or care too much about what people think.

One of the most important qualities in a happy relationship is the feeling of desire. We need our partner to want us, otherwise we feel invaluable. If he doesn’t show up or makes us feel like he really wants us to be there, we will be absent in the whole process.


David Artavia


David is an award-winning journalist and editor at The Advocate, Plus, and Chill magazines. His work also appears at Pride.com and OutTraveler. He lives in Los Angeles where he lives vicariously through his friends.

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