How to Approach a Guy You Think is Out of Your League

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You’re sitting with your friends at a coffee shop when the hottest guy you’ve ever seen walks in. Instantly, the room closes on him (and his biceps). You’re sure he’s your future husband, but how the f**k do you convince him?

We’ve all been in these situations before, and yes it’s always awkward. Your heart starts racing, sweat begins to bead, and too many questions invade your head that it becomes difficult to function. But all you have to do is swallow your pride and trust yourself. Start with these simple tips:

#1) He’s not God.

When a 10 walks into a room full of 6’s and 7’s, it’s interesting to watch what happens. Most of them unconsciously give him their power. It’s as if whoever is the “hottest” guy in the room automatically becomes eye candy, which means the rest of us gleam passively into his control. Don’t be that guy.

Super hot people are used to others bowing at their feet. It’s not their fault; it’s ours. We’re the ones who give him the power, but while the rest of the minions continue to bow, you should stand tall. He is your equal. Knock him off his pedestal, and he’ll respect you a lot more.

Never “apologize” for anything. It’s okay to be shy or taken aback by his beauty, but never look away because you feel you’re unworthy of him. Believe me, beauty fades but confidence is forever. Own yourself and he will be the one who’s insecure – he’ll be pressured to prove himself without the smolder, which reminds him he’s mortal.

#2) Don’t be a cliché.

As someone who isn’t exactly an ideal beauty, it’s easy to look at male comedians on screen and watch how they win lovers by making them laugh rather than flexing in a swimsuit. But we’re not Ben Stiller; we are not Adam Sandler; we are not Jason Segal. We’re ourselves, and that’s what we need to own.

The biggest mistake you can make is to “be” someone else when we’re trying to impress a guy. The best way to impress someone is to be genuine. Authenticity turns us into a magnet – it’s magical. The more relaxed and balanced we are, the more relaxed we make others.

#3) Don’t assume he’s an asshole.

I once made the mistake of assuming a really hot guy was an asshole – don’t ask me why. I instantly thought I was smarter than him, funnier than him, and more put together. Turns out, the laugh was on me. After an hour of teasing him (rather rudely I admit), he said, “You don’t even know me…” He was right.

A lot of Average Joe’s make similar mistakes. We think hot guys are narcissistic, cocky or arrogant pieces of eye candy aware that they can sleep with anyone they want. But trust me, this is only our insecurities sending us wrong signals. Being an asshole might have worked for them in their early-twenties, but let’s face it… everyone’s an asshole in their early-twenties.

By the time we reach our late-twenties, we understand that asshole-isms aren’t cool. It’s a fad we go through, and most of us fall out of it. Before you make any assumptions on a man’s character as he is today, it’s best to give him the benefit of the doubt – even if he’s the hottest thing you’ve ever seen.

#4) Be conversational, not “flirty.”

Too many guys have a wrong idea about flirting. They think it requires pick up lines and cheesy phrases, but the truth is it’s all about conversation. That’s easy enough, right?

Just talk to him. Ask him questions without being obvious you’re flirting: Does he know anyone at the party? Is he wearing something you recognize? What does his shirt say? Is he a Pisces? We have conversations like this every day. Eventually the conversation becomes deeper once you realize your common interests – it doesn’t happen off the bat, it’s something you need to discover. Never force chemistry. Let it blossom.

#5) Keep going.

Sometimes you get on a roll and feel you’ve hit your stride, then you back down because there is a period of silence – big mistake! You’re talking to a stranger. It’s normal. The only reason you feel this way is because he’s ridiculously hot and you’re trying to flirt, but silence happens even when you’re talking to the church lady on the subway.

More often than not, when silence ensues or if he says something that triggers a sense memory, we instantly go into our shell. We start questioning ourselves over nothing – Am I ugly? This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done this. I’m such a loser. He thinks I’m a mess… Don’t listen to any of these voices. Keep your head zipped up.

#6) Don’t try to be perfect.

The biggest thing we forget as humans is our attraction to imperfection. We aren’t perfect, and we know it, so when we’re around a guy who tries to be, we feel pressure to meet them there. This turns into a game of “one up.”

No one relates to perfection because there’s no such thing as being perfect. To try and pretend like we are, actually, pushes people away. It’s much more effective to own our flaws. It gives people around us opportunities to breathe and relate, therefore allowing them permission to trust us.

David Artavia


David is an award-winning journalist and editor at The Advocate, Plus, and Chill magazines. His work also appears at and OutTraveler. He lives in Los Angeles where he lives vicariously through his friends.

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