Why Gay Men Don’t Believe in Relationships Anymore

There is nothing like the feeling of being in love. To have your heart beat with purpose, your soul enriching thoughts and emotions, your smile reflecting a peace and calm stemming from wholeness – it’s a beautiful thing.

But lately, gay guys have turned into a community of lone wolves. We enjoy being single and playing the field too much that love takes a backseat while impulse takes the wheel.

We’re afraid of love–not because of its beauty, but because of its power.

Love blinds us. It bends logic and expands reason beyond comprehension. Love is a superpower, and like any other superpower, we must decide whether to use it for good or evil. Deep down we’re terrified of the consequences.

Men are natural wonderers. Our focus takes us from person to person, often focusing on one in particular until something better comes along. The ability to stay put in a relationship long term is a conscious effort. We train ourselves as human beings to do this because we have a much better chance of surviving as a couple than independently.

At the end of the day, gay guys do want relationships. But judging by our evolving mindset of what monogamy means, it’s hard to see genuine examples. It’s not that we don’t know they exist, it’s that we don’t believe it can exist any more. Here’s why:

  • We treat each other like a piece of meat.

We’ve trained our brains to associate each other as pieces of meat, rather than a heart and soul to connect with. It bleeds into the way we see each other, and in the way we communicate with strangers. It also affects the way we interact on dates.

We are the masters of ourselves, but it takes a solid month to reshape our perspectives. Our brain works like a siphon. It turns our actions into habit; eventually our brain begins to do these habits by itself—without our permission. When we use apps like Grindr every chance we get, we begin a cycle that is hard to break free from, until we consciously try.

We’re all a piece of meat, with no souls or character to investigate. This makes it hard for anyone to connect without immediately resulting in one-night-stand etiquette. Our brains can’t help it. The effects are long lasting, but they’re also invisible.

  • We don’t want to share ourselves.

Imagine your heart is a toy, and we’re all kids in a sandbox. As toddlers, we begin the learning process of sharing. We share our toys with other kids, and when they return it broken or fractured, we start crying. Eventually we learn never to trust this kid again. The same rules apply in relationships.

Our hearts are like toys. We don’t want to share it with guys in case they break it. We get it broken once, and we never learn trust people again. As someone who’s had his heart broken many times, I know the process of fixing it can last a while. But once our hearts are whole again, we must use our past relationships as lessons – not chains.

Like how we did in the sandbox, we ought to recognize red flags from men we shouldn’t trust. That’s what life is – a series of lessons that make us wiser. We know what the signs look like, but unfortunately too many of us would rather not bother at all. Sharing our hearts with anyone becomes risky. But believe me when I tell you to trust your instincts. You know what’s best because your heart tells you so.

  • We’re all cynical.

There is a bitchy gay guy routine poisoning our social conscience, and it needs to stop. Gay guys have continuously begun to not only sabotage each other, but openly bully anyone they view as a threat. Mind you, this has always existed, but the avenues have multiplied with the existence of social media, smart phones, instant news and reality T.V. We’re always looking for an excuse to feel better about ourselves because, deep down, we’re uncomfortable in our lives.

With so much attitude floating around our community, it’s easy for single gay guys to disassociate themselves from each other. Genuineness and goodness need to be resurrected – it’s what built our community in the first place, and it seems like the second we get what we want, we’re out the door.

  • We hardly give second chances.

Today’s world has so many outlets for us to use: Grindr, Scruff, OkCupid, Match.com. We have an endless variety of single gay guys looking for love, so we hardly give second chances to a guy who truly deserves it. Why bother when it’s so easy to dispose of him and message one of the other 100 shirtless torsos in our phone?

This is one of the reasons why single gay guys have major trust issues. We don’t want to be disposed of for something better. We know there are more fish in the sea because we see them every day online. Social media makes shirtless guys all the more evident, so if a guy we’re dating has a minor flaw, instead of asking ourselves if he’s worth it, we say, “Eh… I can do better.” And we go fishing again.

  • We think we’ll lose our identity.

Many gay guys believe that as soon as they’re in a relationship, they become one of a couple. They have to start worrying about texting, calling, keeping their man informed—it becomes a job. A relationship shouldn’t feel like a duty, but rather an act of love.

Intimacy and love help to enrich your life, not take anything away from it. A healthy relationship adds to your already exciting lifestyle. Having someone who loves you and has your back is never going to take away an identity, but rather give a much stronger reason to express it.

  • We’re man-children, and we like it that way.

Most straight guys are forced to get their act together in their late-20s because they either have a child, a girlfriend who wants a child, or friends who are becoming fathers, which pressures them to calm down. Gay guys can’t get each other pregnant, we’ve only recently been allowed to legally marry, and most of our friends enjoy the party lifestyle – so in order for us to get our shit together, we have to make a conscious choice.

But choosing to “grow up” is hard to do. Who the hell wants to grow up when there are endless parties, and countless of new comers entering the scene to ogle at? The truth is we don’t know how to disassociate the party from our own lives. We want them both, together.

We can party and have a genuine successful life, with a family and husband. We can! We just don’t think we can. We enjoy labeling ourselves as “single” because it gives us an upper hand to mingle and be free. We like the freedom, a lot. For whatever reason, we think we need to sacrifice them both to “grow up.” Listen, we’re all still boys at heart. Planning your future doesn’t need to take away from what you enjoy doing in the present.

  • We want the husband “image” without the work.

In other words, we either want to be single or have a husband and kids. We don’t want the middle years of having a boyfriend. We look at pictures of sexy dads with their children running around and think, “I want that!” Little do we consider the arguments, the pain, and the lessons that precede it.

We want the Disney version of a successful same-sex family, without the effort. It’s all an image, a fantasy in our heads.

Reality is much different from what we see on T.V. or film. There is heartache, confusion, ups and downs, detours, and roadblocks. The strongest of relationships have been tested numerous times. Society today doesn’t want to fight to keep their relationships. We’d rather give up.

We want the image without putting any work, but the real dream isn’t a fantasy—it’s a feeling. That feeling is something we have to earn.

David Artavia


David is an award-winning journalist and editor at The Advocate, Plus, and Chill magazines. His work also appears at Pride.com and OutTraveler. He lives in Los Angeles where he lives vicariously through his friends.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply