8 Lies We Were Told About Sex From Watching Gay Porn

No man knows what gay sex is going to be like the first time. No matter how many Sean Cody scenes we play on a loop beforehand, it never matches up with reality.

I remember being an 18-year old virgin with nothing but a laptop and a bottle of Lubriderm to show me what sex was. But things are different now that I’ve realized how many lies the gay porn industry told me as a horny teenager. And unfortunately the majority of gay guys are still in a bubble.

If we’re going to think critically about politics, reality television, or relationships, why can’t we do it with porn? We’re not in high school anymore. It’s time to get real, so we can embrace our bodies for what they are: ours!

Let’s start with the basics:

#1) Virgins come out of the closet a Power Bottom.

I can’t tell you how many films I’ve seen dealing with virginity loss backstories. The majority of the time, the virgin is bright-eyed and smiling up a storm while he’s getting a ride fit for a rodeo. Don’t get me wrong. Some dude’s jump into bottoming right at the beginning, but the reality is it takes a while for him to be comfortable enough wanting it all the time.

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I learned the hard way. Bottoming is as mental as it is physical. It takes a while for your body to broaden and expand towards deeper horizons. Never are you going to magically jump in the deep end your first go around. It’s a bunch of bull!

#2) Gay sex makes for easy clean up.

The Pine-Sol lady does not come after it’s all set and done. Men sweat, which is something I love, and we get wet and sticky most of the time – at least when we’re giving our A game. My philosophy has always been if you haven’t broken a sweat then you’re being too safe. I’ve had great sex in my life and rarely do we ever finish on top of crisp white sheets. It’s always a wrinkled up pile of damp sticky mess and I like it that way.

#3) There’s no prep work WHATSOEVER.

No gay man is ready at the snap of a finger to get penetrated. There’s prep work, which requires more than just a shower. We douche, we soap, we douche and we soap again. For guys who find it difficult bottoming, we need to exercise our sphincter muscles at least two times a week with a toy so it builds muscle memory for bottoming be enjoyable. It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, so for anyone who thinks it’s as easy as apple pie, I’d like them to sashay away please.

#4) BIGGER is always the BETTER option.

There are plenty of Size Queens out there in the world, but I’m sure even they have to admit that just because a man is packing heat does not give him the right to stay in the kitchen. There are countless of guys with average to smaller penises that rocked my world as equally as the big boys.

Our prostates are only four inches inside (around the corner), so do the measuring. Trust me when I say size doesn’t necessarily fit all. Kudos to you for enjoying a third leg, but for the majority of gay men it’s not a requirement. Don’t believe it.

#5) Ejaculation is always going to be consistent.

I always forget that I’m watching a film, which means there’s editing, retakes, lighting, even questionable CGI. Life doesn’t run on digital time. It exists in our mind and body’s physiological breaks. We’re not always going to cum exactly when our partner does – we’re just not. Hell, sometimes we won’t at all. It doesn’t mean we’re not sexually attracted to them anymore, and it especially doesn’t mean that we didn’t have a good time. Sometimes our mind gets fucked up and decides to take a bit more time than usual. We’re not always going to shoot across the room like Peter North — but we’ll certainly have fun trying.

#6) Everyone is a contortionist.

There are so many porn stars down to shoot a leg up to the ceiling while their partner grabs the other and straddles it on top of the kitchen sink while he’s reaching around to grab the testicles and pull himself in and out like a circus monkey. The only people who can do this should be working for Cirque du Soleil. It’s hard enough to do a decent split, the last thing I need is to be bent like a pretzel. There’s absolutely zero pleasure in being made into Stretch Armstrong. All lies!

#7) Everyone likes a good rape scenario.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a pretty big fan of being dominated over, but there’s a fine line between “Yes, boss me around” and “OK, should I call the cops now?”

If a guy is using me to live out his lifelong fantasy of actually raping someone, he’s getting kicked in the groin and told his place. There needs to be some heavy communication beforehand to warn a guy. Rape isn’t a joke. It can be sexy when we’re both on the same page but never should anyone assume it’s going to be as free flowing as it is on Men.com.

#8) The sex is always a surprise.

I hate to speak up for the sluts of the world, but I have yet to meet a gay guy who, at least when he’s young, hasn’t agreed that making out “leads to other things.” But in porn, it’s always a surprise: They see each other, start talking, and suddenly they’re in the backroom of a 7-11 getting stuffed like a creamsicle.

The reality is you feel the tension long before any deed actually happens. When it does, the anxiety leaves so we can finally give in to what we all knew was inevitable. Men are kind of psychic when it comes to sex, so two gay guys are almost always aware when there’s a possibility. Trips to the bathroom to make sure you smell fresh become too frequent not to assume anything else.

David Artavia

Writer

David lives in New York City, where he acts, writes and lives vicariously through his friends.

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