#1) He’ll makeout with his dog after it licks its butthole, but won’t kiss you after eating garlic fries.
#2) The dog has first pick on which side of the bed he/she sleeps on.
#3) His dog is his screensaver, home page, and profile picture. You’re somewhere in his phone memory but don’t know where.
#4) You feel like his dog judges you.
#5) He’d rather let the dog devour his face in public than hold your hand on the streets.
#6) He knows every company that won’t allow dogs on board when traveling.
#7) You and the dog spent a couple hours alone once and the tension was palpable.
#8) He feels bad leaving his dog by itself but rarely apologizes when he flakes out on your personal plans.
#9) The dog is creeping in the background when you Facetime each other—watching, spying.
#10) His face lights up when talking about his dog’s floppy ears.
#11) Every time the dog interrupts snuggle time, you get jealous and don’t know why.
#12) His dog insists on sleeping between you two, and it gets weirder every time.
#13) A trip to the dog park is non-negotiable and is often the first idea he has when conceiving weekend plans.
#14) When he gets invited to places they always say “Bring [the dog]!” despite that you both have been together for five years.
#15) You opened your closet one day and found dog hairs all over your clothes, shoes and newly folded laundry—it’s clearly trying to mess with your head.
Originally published on The Real Gay Guy in 2015. Restored and lightly updated in 2026; some details may reflect the time of writing.
